Posted in Jax's Crystals and Musings, World of Warcraft

Tenth Crystal – Birds and Cages

The Crystal crackles to life, followed by a few moments of silence.

“Let’s go over the things I know. My name is Jaxkol Dawnsedge. I am eighteen years old. I am Sin’dorei. I live in Stormwind, with a room at the Golden Keg in the Dwarven district where I work. I also share an apartment with my… with my Pryn… In Old Town.

I am a Knight Initiate with the Argent Dawn. I am a student under Sister Anders. I am a tavern-keep at the Golden Keg. I am a hard worker… most of the time.

I know that I am the youngest of six. I am exiled from a House that no longer stands. The Matriarch is dead. Elor bindel felallan morin’aminor… rea vendel’o eranu…

I don’t… want to talk about her yet. Not yet… I have my soul shard. Well, Sister Anders does. My mother can’t hurt me with it any more. And there’s a freedom in that that is… frightening. I’m so… used to the pain. I’m used to the hurt and the constant torture and being… alone. I’m not used to this safety yet.

I know that I am loved. I have great friends. I am going to be the ‘godfather’ – whatever that means – to Evie and Max’s daughter. I have people who have been willing to step up and help me at the bar when things get overwhelming. I have surpassed the legacy of the two women who took me in when I first came here. I hope I made them proud…

I know that they are likely dead… I know that I miss them.

I know that I have the heart of the most beautiful creature in our entire galaxy. I know that she is smart and witty and beautiful and she fills me with so much Light that it literally turns my eyes gold. And I know that I love it. She made me realize who I am and who I can be. She made me want to grow. And… And now she’s growing too. She’s… more than a draenei, more than a goblin. More than even a naaru. She so exceeds the sum of her parts and… even though she puts on a haughty act, she’s far more humble in reality than she lets people see.

And… I’m losing her.

I’m losing her because she was never truly within my grasp… Because… She is so much more than me. But she’d hate hearing me say that. And that’s an unfair way to think of it. She’s… literally more than I could ever be. But because of her I have become so much more than I was. She said…”

There’s a frustrated sigh, a pause, a catching of breath and containing of thoughts.

“She said that she didn’t want to keep me like a tiny, caged bird. And now that the door is open… The world is suddenly vast and frightening. And I don’t… know what I’m supposed to do in it. I love her. I will always love her… But she is going somewhere that I cannot follow. She is becoming something I could never emulate. Pryn is my Light. And that will never change. But what am I meant to do? I am her Champion but she has outgrown me. She is on the path to become something so… amazing… so much bigger than me. Bigger than us…

I don’t know what to do. Given the choice I would sacrifice everything to be what she needs, but that’s the problem. She needs me to be happy, but to do that I can’t be caged. But I love my cage. It’s tight and safe and protected there. But I can’t grow. She says I too am a Light, a cornerstone to circle around.  I just…”

Another frustrated sound.

“I’m not losing her, but I’m gaining freedom, and that in itself is just.. it’s so confusing. I love it when she’s home. It’s like nothing ever happened. Nothing strange is going on, and it’s like things have always been. And then… sometimes she gets tired. And sometimes her skin shimmers like beaten gold. And sometimes she can’t seem to keep her feet on the ground and there’s a glittery chime behind her voice. Sometimes her eyes are so blindingly bright with Light I can barely look at her – even though it seems she can see into my very soul…

Sometimes she doesn’t come home for days… I spend those nights in my old room at the Keg, peeking through the Mirror every few hours to check if she’s returned. It used to be when she lost a patient, she would cry. She would cry so long and so hard and so desperately that I was sure there was nothing wet left in her. That the pain of the Universe was being channeled through her.

And sometimes… She stares… She stares with this… terrifying determination. Like the problem is not yet solved. Like the battle is not yet lost and she will win it even if she must burn the world to do so. She frightens me… She stops eating. It takes multiple tries to get her attention and even if I touch her, the Light is so strong it numbs my hand all the way up to the elbow. When she looks at me, she’s not seeing me. She’s seeing something… beyond me. Bigger than me. Not the mortal form I know as myself, but something… farther reaching. Every spider-web of reality I’ve ever touched and will ever be a part of.

And I realize I am at once bigger than I could ever fathom and very very small…

In a day or so, she comes back, loaded down with shopping bags of clothes and trinkets and beauty supplies, telling me about this latest Azerite-infused hoof polish and how it’s probably not real Azerite but for the price she paid it damn well had better be, and we slip into that warm, comfortable pattern of normal again. Until the next time.

It all makes me concerns feel so small. So stupid. So very… mortal. My heart will never belong to anyone as strongly as it does to her. But these phase of intensity are lasting longer now. And the longer I’m with a stranger in her body… Or worse, alone and not even sure where she is… The lonelier I get. And I hate it… I hate how stupid and weak I feel for missing what we had. I hate how part of me wants her to stay small – small enough for me to be part of her life. I hate how greedy this all is…

What do I do? If I find someone to fill the void, is that wrong of me? Even if both parties know? Even if she said it’s what she wants for me? Do I keep that void, nurture it like some sort of bastardized Ren’dorei? I mean… it’d be weirdly fitting I guess. But she’d see it. She’d see it when those gold-faceted eyes turn on me and see the spider-webbing of more than my soul. More than even my essence. My…echo. I guess. She would know. And I can already see that frown. And even just in my mind’s eye, that hurts worse than any dagger, any soul-burn, any gunshot.

What do I do… Is it betrayal if it’s what she honestly wants? Is it fair to her? Is it fair to me? Is it fair to anyone who gets involved in this awful, complicated mess that is my life? I have been struggling over this for two weeks and I’m no closer to an answer.

I need to find someone to talk to about this… The last person I tried to explain it to dismissed me as an ‘adulterer’ right off the bat and then said that we were perfect for each other. No fucking shit, why do you think this is so hard?

Light… I guess… I just need to have faith that what she says was true. And that even if it doesn’t make sense now… Maybe it will some time soon… I have to trust the Light… And just keep moving forward…”

Author:

Just you're basic -cough-'dorei tryin' to make it in Azeroth.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s